Halloween is a very dangerous time of year. It is a time when I am likely to see someone walking along the street and say admiringly Nice costume and be met with a blank stare. The kind of stare that tells me fairly quickly that this was not a costume. It is the awful Halloween equivalent of asking a woman when she is due only to discover that she is not, in fact, pregnant at all. Rapidly dig deep hole in ground. Hide in hole.
But being Irish, and thus politically incorrect by birth, what I really want to say to these people is: for goodness sake, could you PLEASE not wear outfits that look like Halloween costumes when it’s close to Halloween? I mean, this just creates a MINEFIELD for the rest of us! And by the way? This is not the Renaissance!
Then there’s the minefield of what to dress up as myself. Ever since I became a hospice nurse I’ve wanted to go one year as The Grim Reaper. But in this situation, it’s the thought that counts. Plus I don’t possess a scythe.
I would also love to wear elaborate costumes: Marie Antoinette comes to mind. Queen Elizabeth I. Something with a bustle. But those things cost, so over the years I have gone more for the do-it-yourself creative costumes, with mixed success. In my early twenties I once went to a Halloween party with my boyfriend Steve. I spent hours cutting out paper moon and stars and applying them diligently to a black outfit. The night sky! Steve was not one for dressing up. In deference to the occasion he dabbed on a bit of mascara and eyeliner. However, he had long curly red hair and his usual garb was tight black jeans, suede boots and a suede jacket. When we arrived at the party, people completely ignored me and my paper stars, but they took one look at Steve and went Alice Cooper! Cool!
Then there was the year I went as a Shakesperian sonnet, but I won’t revisit that. My daughter was about seven at the time. Even ten years later she doesn’t like to be reminded.
These days I figure that wigs are the way to go. All those sexy costumes just make you look like it would be much better if you were ten pounds lighter. But a wig is simple, cheap, and entirely transformative. I used to have a Marge Simpson blue beehive wig, and I had a mermaid one that went all the way down to my feet. This year, I found a long shaggy blond thing in a local consignment store. It makes me feel like a 70s groupie, so I’m going as Kate Hudson’s character in Almost Famous. Found the round mirror shades, and already had the suede/fur coat. Add a pair of flared jeans, a low-cut top, some hoop earrings, boots and bingo! Halloween for $24! Plus I can wear it to my hospice team meeting, as I think it just about fits in that narrow category of office appropriate.
One thing I have never understood about Halloween is Halloween-themed sweaters. A costume is one thing. But just wearing an orange sweater with a picture of a witch on it? That’s neither one thing nor the other. Have the courage to paint your face green and wear the pointy hat! Or just go in your normal clothes and if you run into me, I’ll tell you great costume!
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